Narutards
by XimitationXgoth
Summary: A regular mail day in the Black Order changes the whole course of the future of the organization and the world. A One Shot Crack Fiction without lemons and pairings. Sowwwy.


For the record, I love the Naruto series, even the drawn out Shippuunden. But that doesn't stop me from criticizing the craziness that surrounds this manga/anime. Chill people. Yeah, I know Naruto is awesome but there are other series ( like D. Gray Man ) that deserve your well meant money.

Written and dedicated to my favorite actor, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, my stuffed animal, Leo, and the computer that actually puts up with all of this trash.

Read and Review.

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Narutards

by imitationxgoth

It was, let's say a Tuesday, when a cautious smile of possible optimism and a budding goodwill appeared on the stoic face of Yu Kanda. No, it wasn't his birthday and no it wasn't anyone's funeral. Far from it, because today was mail day and as everyone knew in the Black Order, once a month Kanda received a package from the distant and exotic Japan. Every time it was a different object that was concealed behind the thin airy paper. Most believed that it was pure junk that Kanda was collecting, and yet it made him oh so uncharacteristically happy. All morning, the samurai did not insult a single living being. His sword remained unsheathed and Lavi went bouncing along without a hair cut by the short-tempered blade. In short, harmony reigned over the gloomy castle until the mailman came, bearing the very present Yu Kanda kept his usual homicidal demeanor to the minimum for.

As the clocks struck noon, the boy raced down the stairs in eager anticipation of a visit from the mailman. And there she was, mailwoman to be exact, with a smiling plump face and a package under her sweaty arm pit. Without a moment's delay, Kanda charged the poor woman, knocked her out, signed the thin paper clipped to a board, and like lightning returned up the stairs, though this time with a damp prize in his hands. He ran so quickly that the workers of the Black Order hugged the walls for the fear of being trampled over by the samurai. Then, the door opened, closed, and the black haired boy disappeared for the good part of the afternoon.

Right about when the mailwoman got back to her senses, the door of the samurai's room creaked open and the boy stepped out. If one looked carefully past his shoulders, one could see the mess of paper, string, and cardboard that littered the floor of the room. But where was the mysterious object for which Yu Kanda yearned all month? Ah, it was in his hands. Tightly hugging small rectangular object, brightly color, the raven-haired boy made the first careful step into the hallway. Hopefully, he'd be able to get his rightfully deserved supper and then disappear into the woods to enjoy his imported rectangle before anyone (especially Lavi) noticed anything.

But the boy's plan was doomed from the start because already three eyes were pinned on him even before he fully stepped out of the room. Two gray ones and one green eye wordlessly followed the samurai, biding their time for a swift and deadly attack. Oh-ho-ho. Kanda wouldn't even know what hit him, thought the owners of the eyes as they hungrily watched their target turning his back to them and begin walking down the hallway. The colorful rectangle remained close to the chest, rising and falling as Kanda breathed. Oh, it looked so positively exotic, delicious, and down right illegally captivating….whatever it was.

Before Kanda could turn the corner, a shrill childish and terrifyingly familiar voice stopped the boy in its tracks. "Yuuuuuu-chan," Lavi called out, already running after the samurai. Kanda was about to bolt, since, well, if he was caught now, there would be no escape. His leg muscles twitched, but…. There was a HUGE 'but' in this instance. Kanda didn't know who he was dealing with. Both Allen and Lavi were two steps ahead of their prey and at the first sight of panic in Yu's eyes, already Allen extended his claws to block the samurai's way while the hammer exploded to pin the poor black-haired boy against a wall. Kanda began to scramble under the immense size of the hammer, his wind pipe contracted desperately as his eyes popped from unimaginable horror.

"Whatcha got there?" innocently Lavi asked as both he and Allen cornered the usually stoic samurai.

"Nothing," screamed Kanda, desperately trying to save the exotic rectangle despite the fact that his lungs were beginning to collapse on themselves.

"Lies," exploded Lavi and Allen too grew red in the face.

"Don't be such a sour puss, Kanda. GIVE IT TO US," darkly spoke the youngest of the three, his eyes sparkling dangerously. Kanda was running out of breath. Sweat dripped profusely all over his body and leather with sweat was a terrible combination. He gasped clawing at the hammer that seemed to move in closer and closer and closer while the three devilish eyes sparkled malignantly.

"Fine," the boy gasped. The hammer shrunk at once and two triumphant faces leaned in, extending their eager hands to take hold of Kanda's precious rectangle.

"Scavengers," Yu spit, tossing the book in the general direction of Allen and Lavi, while gingerly rubbing his aching chest. Allen was the first to catch the tiny book. His eyes sparkled with curiosity as he looked over front and back of it. Lavi peered at it, hands trembling as they reached out to touch its smooth covers.

"Holy fuck, Yu-chan. This is… is…"

"A manga. I know."

"But they're not supposed to be released for another 150 years. Omg. How did you get it?"

"I've got connections," haughtily the samurai said, raising his chin. The other two looked at Kanda as though he was some sort of god.

Allen finally flipped it over, reading the title of the graphic novel. "Na-ru-to. Naruto," he mumbled under his breath, his Japanese a bit rusty. Lavi snatched it out of Allen's hands, holding it up to the light. His eye narrowed as he examined it. Then he sniffed it, reveling in the smell of freshly printed paper. "Can we borrow it? We'll read it and give it back to you in no time," Allen promised as he in awe observed Lavi examine the manga with utmost care.

Kanda was about to say 'no'. His lips were in the process of forming a tube and his head to shake disapprovingly, but then, he caught sight of the tiny hammer and the dark sparkle in Allen's eyes and suddenly his chest began to ache so terribly. "Fine. But if you bend a single corner: you're dead. And don't let anyone else touch it. I don't want this to turn into some sort of crazy nation wide obsession." With that said, the samurai stormed out, unwittingly beginning something he would most surely regret.

By midnight of that same day, half of the Black Order not only touched but also read the exotic Naruto manga. And by the morning of the next day, the other, slower half, finally caught up to the literary movement. The castle was abuzz. To Kanda's great annoyance, at every corner he found workers chattering away about whether Sasuke was a closet case or just a prick or if Sakura had a disease which caused her to be permanent in PMS mode. Of course there was a question of whether Naruto was pretending to be an idiot or he was actually clinically mentally retarded. Ugh, it absolutely aggravated Yu Kanda. It was supposed to be his own little secret and now all of a sudden every blabbering fool in the freaking place knew that Orochimaru was a pedophile and that Kakashi liked to give it in the behind of Iruka-sensei. By the time breakfast hit, Yu Kanda was positively murderous. He wanted to find the bean sprout and the fucking rabbit who were responsible for this absolute mess. And yes, he did find them. He found them soon enough because they were sitting together with a bunch of other exorcists and Black Order workers and furiously arguing about something.

"No, no, Kanda is totally like Sasuke. Look. They're both black haired, jerks, and stoic. It's like if Sasuke grew his hair out and Kanda became a man, they'd be twi-"

But the speaker didn't finish because before his eyes flashed the blade and the table decided to split up in two and fall to the floor.

"Oh, hey, Yu-chan," innocently again Lavi said, batting his lashes.  
"You," breathed harshly the samurai. "I'll kill you first and then go about the bean sprout." His chest was rising and falling dramatically and his eyes were aflame. Fingers twitched around the handle of the sword, but Lavi didn't seem to be nervous at all. "See, told you you were wrong. There's no way Yu-chan is like Sasuke-kun. He'd murder us before he even thinks of leaving us," triumphantly spoke the Bookman-apprentice with a brilliant smile on his face.

Kanda wanted to cry then. There was no escape. Even a death-threat could not cure the epidemic. Defeated, he collapsed on the bench, burying his face in his hands. But the group took no notice of that. Already they were discussing whether Allen was more like Naruto or Sai and whether Lenalee could qualify as a Hinata. Needless to say, the disease spread wide and quickly. Soon, no exorcists were willing to leave the head quarters because a fresh rumor about who would win if Fourth Hokage and Kakashi battled just started to circulate.

Millennium Earl was beyond himself with confusion. Suddenly, there was no one to resist him and everyone knows that that was no fun. He tried to provoke a reaction from the Black Order, one time even walking right up to the front door and ringing the bell, but no one answered. Disheartened, Millenium Earl gave up his life of crime and opened up a fast food restaurant chain called McEarl. Noah clan too soon grew bored of pursuing destruction of the world and, after buying a tiny ranch in Texas, became well respected family of Farmers, changing their last name to a Tree. Tyki was the only Noah who abandoned this life of land and moved to the City where he became an actor and died five years later from AIDS.

And so the world was saved thanks to Naruto and most of the exorcist remained alive, except for Yu Kanda. On the second week of Naruto madness, the poor boy committed suicide by over eating McEarl's famous McNasty burgers. Alas, no one came to his funeral since no one even noticed that he died or even left the castle. And such was the sad end of a very hopeful young man who so terribly resembled Uchiha Sasuke, the only remarkable aspect of his life.

God bless the Narutards.


End file.
